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Oct. 18th, 2009

10/18 - FML?

My cousin has lymphoma, another cousin may be deployed to Afghanistan, and another of my best friends is very ill with a possible concussion. What the hell.

On a considerably lighter note, I went to dinner with the senior and another friend on Friday, and going on a choir trip to Illinois where he will be... hopefully this is going to be an enjoyable two days.

Oct. 12th, 2009

10/12 - Unpredictable

That's pretty much the way my life has been for the past two days. Yesterday, I was happier than I have ever been. And I don't doubt that when I say 'ever' either, because when I really thought about it, it was true. Everything was just going right, I wasn't worried about anything for once, my anxiety was in check, and I was just a genuinely happy person.

And then my morning is started off with a lecture from the band conductor, about how he is ashamed of all of us for talking about the drum majorette behind her back. I won't lie and say I didn't say a few things, but I didn't go spouting off calling her a 'retard' or anything like the other drum major did. There was a time when she yelled at one of the members of the band for defending her, and I disagreed with how she reacted to it.
And it was just... unbelievable to try and conceive that she thought she deserved respect after that. I understand everyone deserves respect, but it is so... difficult to believe that when things like this happen. I find out today that she went up to her after band and thanked her, but then I wonder, "Does the rest of the band know that?" No. We don't. We only know how you act on the podium, not how you act most other times. And how you acted on the podium was uncalled for. I'm sorry that I was the one that mentioned how I didn't like how she handled the situation, to the girl who is her best friend, the same girl who was my best friend until she became so stupid and changed so much that I didn't ever want to be around her. And I wasn't even saying it as if I was "talking shit", people just misinterpret things. I can recall saying, and I quote, "I'm sorry, I know she's your best friend, but I disagree with the way she reacted to that situation. When someone defends you, you don't yell at them for trying to earn you the respect that you deserve."

On top of that I find out this same aforementioned former best friend had called a particular senior on Saturday and asked him if he'd like to go to a movie with her, then tried to call another two friends, and tried to set it up as a double date. (Fortunately the senior called at least five other people and asked if they wanted to go, I assume trying to save himself from an all around awkward situation.) To me, it's not a surprise, solely because she's always been like this. As soon as I express interest in someone, she has to be right there trying to make them like her more. I've never understood why, but all I know is that I've had the last of it. She did the same thing with the exchange student that I was head over heels for, she's been pulling this crap since we were in the fifth grade. It's ridiculous. I'm tired of it, and I'm tired of her. I cannot wait to graduate and - hopefully - be accepted to that school in Connecticut that I was looking at because I want to get as far away from her as humanly possible.

It's not even just... that that's annoying me about her. While the drum majorette has the right to know what people say about her, I think it's rather lousy for the other person to take advantage of the trust other people place in them (which, mind you, is a microscopic amount to begin with) and blow things out of proportion to make them seem much worse than they actually are.

And you know, if this drum majorette had such a problem with people, and the whole point of the lecture we received today was "if you have a problem with someone, be honest and talk to the person" why didn't she go confront those people? Why did she just run off and tell the director on the band? I understand this is the worst it's ever been, but seriously.

I've had one person who I can honestly talk to through this whole thing who understands my point of view and knows how I feel about the whole thing, and I am so, so thankful for her. She has kept me sane in the past seven hours, she has kept me from breaking down and having a meltdown. Unfortunately she wasn't able to keep me from a few tears, but they were necessary, and there are probably more on the way that will also be necessary.

I'm just... ill. I'm ill mentally, I'm ill physically; I feel like I'm going to lose the contents of my stomach. I feel like I'm going to be incapable of sleeping. These are the moments, of course, where you wish you'd fall asleep and not wake up because you don't want to have to deal with everything when you wake up the next morning. I don't understand this anymore. I really don't. This seems like some stupid, pointless existence and that I was put here to be tossed around between a bunch of people with no real purpose except to have my emotions tugged at and apart. And while it may not be apparent to some, I have, probably, the most delicate emotions you could ever find in a person. The littlest thing will make me feel like a terrible person, or happier than you could've thought possible. The problem with that is I'm also the kind of person who doesn't open up about things like that all too easily, unless it's the right person, and I bottle it up and keep adding more and more and more and more until I finally just explode and have these huge meltdowns like this...

It would be simpler to say that I'm tired of everything, and nothing is right. But that's too simple, I need to whine about yet another thing. I need to draw it out into a long, angst-filled, LiveJournal entry. I'm freaking out, and the more I think about it now, the more I realize I'm on the verge of that previously prevented meltdown.

I really, really need my brother. It's a lot harder not having him here than I thought it was, and it occurred to me that I miss him a lot more than I thought I would. He is, truly, my closest and best friend and now I'm not knowing what to do without him. He was my go-to person for everything that I needed to talk about when he was here. He would pick me up off the ground like I was a fallen child, pat my back and dust off my clothes, put a band-aid on my scraped knee that is my pride most of the time, and then reassure me that everything's going to be alright and that I'm going to live to see tomorrow, regardless of whether I have a scraped knee or not.

I really do miss him.

Oct. 11th, 2009

10/11 - Win for Liza

Not only did I remember that I have the soundtrack to A Very Potter Musical, but I think my mother is going to let me buy that plum coloured prom gown that I wanted to buy... And on top of that, one of my best friends has a story for me tomorrow that revolves around a certain senior, evidently, and it makes me all excited-like.

She's in on the fact that my mother wants me to go with him, we had a long, long talk about it about a week ago over lunch in Panera, and a lot of good things happened. (Why do I feel like I've already written this already? Probably because I probably already have.) Any way, she mentioned something about suggesting taking me to prom, which I can't help but laugh at. I don't want to start scheming about it, but it just makes me laugh that we're plotting like this.

Aside from that I helped do some load-in stuff for a show today, and will be doing tech work the next week... and it will be hell-week. And I have a voice lesson tomorrow! That means I get to start working on Camelot stuff, which means that I can see if I can make it work in under five minutes and potentially use it for Individual Speech competition. That would make me happier than anything, because I'm going to work my ass off to try and get to All-State this year. I was extremely pissed when our One-Act Play (A Dog's Life) didn't make it last year because they deserved to go more than any other group from our school. It was so good, it had me bawling every time I saw it.

And for Large Group competition I will be playing Annie Oakley from Annie Get Your Gun with a friend of mine who will be playing Frank, which will also hopefully get good ratings and state and potentially go to All-State. This is going to be a great Speech Season and I can't wait to start.

And now, I should probably go to bed because I have marching band rehearsals all this week to prepare for contest on Saturday. Our festival performance was snowed out yesterday, and the band director claimed that he had "too many people he couldn't depend on" any way, so we ended up not going... Regardless, snow or no snow, we'll probably be going to the one this coming Saturday.

Oct. 6th, 2009

10/6 - Hypothermia, much?

Yes. That is probably exactly what I'm going to end up with next, because I'm sitting at some random girl's house, someone who I've never met and really have no desire to meet, in a car with no heat, at 10:00 at night. (Did I mention the car with no heat?) And it's because my best friend and his stupid ass friend want to look at some dumb car and flirt with some girl [hat one of them is taking to homecoming. What the hell.

Maybe I'm just exaggerating, but this is Iowa. It is approximately 50 degrees (which, no, is not that cold) but that's without a windchill that's probably much, much colder.

I think a lot of things put me in a really bad mood, starting with the fact that one idiotic friend - who doesn't even deserve to be called my friend - was pissed off at another friend because she will be transferring schools in the middle of this year to rid herself of an ex-boyfriend who A. got her pregnant last year - to which she responded with having an abortion, B. broke into her home at 2 AM and C. raped her. this idiot friend insisted that breaking up with *her* boyfriend and merely seeing him in the hall each day is worse than my other friend's ordeal. (Because we all know seeing the asshole who dumped you is worse than having to sit in a class with your rapist.)

I don't know. A lot of crap has happened and I'm just mad about everything. All of this just came out now, too, and at the worst possible time.

The best part of my day today was when we had an All-State meeting and a particular senior stood behind me... and I also found out that he looks absolutely gorgeous in a purple-ish plaid shirt. I really want to kind of steal him and keep him for myself.

And now I'm sitting between two idiots talking about orgasming over a fucking car. What the hell is it with men and cars. I don't see why cars make them so... excited. It's ridiculous and annoying.

However, now we're moving and, while I'm still freezing in the car with no heat, I'm pretty much on the way home. And to my bed. And to waking up at 5 AM to paint myself green.

Oct. 5th, 2009

10/5 - Wow...

What a weekend that was... I wake up Sunday morning at 9:30 to find out that a graduate, from last year, who attended my high school, was killed in a car accident at 3AM that night. Evidently he was completely wasted and running from the police, we later discover... That doesn't make me any less sorry for the family - it's incredibly sad, he was a very, very pretty person, it's a shame that he had to take the 'asshole' route, but regardless, I'm still a bit shocked by it...

The honor choir I was at made me angry half the time. The director was terrible and he made me want to kick things. Evidently he was only there because the person who organized it - who I was directed by at an All-State festival choir - was caught having sexual relations with a student, and no one found out he was gone until a week before all of this was to be organized, when all of the good directors' schedules are already booked. That's always the thing you want to hear - that someone you worked under was caught with their student. Yugh.

Then I get home and decide that, yes, I am in fact really liking the senior who I've just come to know, especially after having a long talk with a friend of mine over lunch a few days ago... Even with her assurance that he's very... slow in relationships. She told me it would probably take a month and a half to even get to holding hands. That doesn't bother me, I actually like that - I would be able to know him before all of the affection starts. Which is more important to me any way - I'd like to know the possessor of my affections, I mean really.

Regardless, I think we have more in common than both of us know. And we spent a lot of time together over the weekend...

Oct. 4th, 2009

10/4 - Choir Trip

Yes, Liza is on a choir trip. In Northern Iowa, and she has a scholarship audition at 8:40 as the first soloist of the day. However I don't intend to go to the school where I'm doing this... I want to attend the Hartt School in West Hartford, CT because I love their music theatre program, or at least from looking at it I do. A lot...

It's really quiet in the room, we're all just kind of sitting here. I think I'll go get ready for bed instead of sitting here on my phone, typing an LJ post. Sounds like a good idea. I'ma do that.

Oct. 3rd, 2009

10/3 - Emotional

I don't really know why I am, but all of a sudden I just feel like crying. I shouldn't... but I do. It's one of those moments where you feel like everything isn't going the way that it should, or the way that you hoped it would...

I think part of it is because of a surprise birthday party that was held for me tonight. My friend took me out all day and we went shopping for things for homecoming week, and all sorts of other stuff, and then we go to this one building and there are people there waiting to have a surprise party.

One of the presents my friend gave me was red cherry tea (yum, by the way) and a keychain that I stare at and regret ever opening it. It's a keychain that has the whole "I ♥" on it with a name, and then on the back, it has this joke that we have going. And I would totally tell him (the person whose name is on the back) about it, but at the same time it's almost... humiliating. I know he doesn't think of me like that, and I'm afraid that everyone thinks I'm obsessed with him when I'm not. I don't want to ruin the friendship I have with him because of a stupid thing like that.

Maybe I'm just taking this the wrong way. He's supposed to be coming to visit in November, apparently, but if he doesn't I wouldn't be very disappointed, considering the next time I see him I want to be happier with myself. And lately, I have not been happy with myself. At all. I've wanted to just kind of shut myself away more than anything.

I have an honor choir tomorrow. I'm not excited. I have a part of a Chemistry paper due when I get back on Tuesday, and Math... I should be doing it right now, my mom even pointed that out, but you know what, I really don't want to. I have not been home all day. I woke up at 7 AM on a Saturday, spent a time at Marching Band from 8:30 to 11:00, then came home, then left to go with my friend, and helped her babysit for two hours, then went shopping and had the party and stuff... I just want to go to bed, honestly. Maybe that would do me some good.

I should just stop thinking. That would do me more good. I'm too paranoid and my anxiety is ridiculous.

Sep. 27th, 2009

9/27 - For One Brief Shining Moment...

"Don't let it be forgot,
That once there was a spot.
For one brief shining moment
That was known was Camelot."

Above, my favorite line of the show. It's over, and I already miss everyone... we had a last minute cast party, which was only one of like, five that we had in the entirety of the show and rehearsal schedule. It was the only one I attended, ironically... However, I'm glad I did, because it was a small party, the whole cast didn't show up, but it was nice... We played games, sat around and talked, played in a home-made photo booth which happens to be the coolest thing I've ever seen...

I'm already adding everyone on Facebook, solely because I want to keep in touch with them. We're having a baby shower for someone in the cast, I think... I think everyone's planning to audition for the next show. I know I will, and I hope to see them there.

I don't think I can really sum up my experience that I've gained from this show, as both an actress and as a person. It was, in itself, the most phenomenal production I've done so far. And I will never regret anything about it, whether it be the incredible, beautiful music, the occasionally cheesy lines, the hilarious situations, or the touching monologues of King Arthur. And so with a line of his, which is my favorite, I will end this entry.

"One of what we all are, Pelly.
Less than a drop in the great blue motion of the sunlit sea,
but it seems some of the drops sparkle.
Some of them do sparkle."


Sep. 20th, 2009

9/20 - Sweet Dreams

I had a dream last night... and it was one of the most wonderful dreams that I've ever had. It was one of those dreams where everything seems real, where for as long as you're asleep, everything is real. And it was about him... and I remember, I was at school, at a rehearsal, I think, but it didn't start there... It started... somewhere else. At a location that I don't really remember, but it was lovely... And I remember just standing there, and then he was there. And he walked up to me, and he held my hand. And he hugged me. It was marvelous... Then we ended up at school, at a rehearsal for the play, I think, and every time we were separated we were together again moments later, hugging and holding hands, and I would rest my head on his shoulder, and he would only smile at me. And there was just... this warmth, this serenity, and for once, in the midst of my crazy, stressed out, upset and jumbled up lifestyle, I felt genuinely happy.

I was happy for a long length of time, not just the short span of time where I can talk to a good friend, or when I heard a joke or when I'm performing. It was so real, and so wonderful...

And then I woke up, and for five minutes I sat and wondered where I was, because I didn't know. I was so disoriented, because I believed so firmly that I was sitting somewhere with him, and I didn't want to believe it wasn't real. And then it slowly dawned on me, "Oh, it was only a dream..."

It was heartbreaking to know that it wasn't real. To know that I wasn't going to see him the next day and be able to hold his hand, or possibly to even be noticed, let alone receive such affections.

Now all I get to do is sit here and wish that this wasn't the case. Woe.

Sep. 18th, 2009

9/18 - More Drugs

For my stupid infected cornea. The infection didn't go away with the Zymar (I think that's what it's called) so my eye doctor proceeded to prescribe steroid drops for me. My left eye is on steroids. And people will not stop making jokes about "how buff my eye is going to be." It makes me want to smack something. Or just hit my head on a wall.

I've had... intense rehearsal for the past four days. Literally. I've been walking in at seven, and leaving - at the latest - eleven thirty. Because he keeps us so long for notes, when the majority of them go to the principles any way. The show opens next week, however, and we move into the theater on Monday... I'm just exhausted. Between getting up at five in the morning to go to marching band rehearsals, then getting home at eleven thirty... I feel like I could collapse. I almost fell asleep in Chemistry while we watched a video about the Periodic Table... And then I've had rehearsal for Anne of Green Gables almost every night this week as well. I only get, literally, a half hour at home before I head off to another rehearsal. I cannot wait until Camelot closes and I can go back to doing one show at a time. Although I'll be helping manage Footloose, that won't be as bad as actually having to juggle performing in two shows...

And speaking of Anne of Green Gables, can I just say that I have never been more infuriated with a director? (Except for during the musical, but that's a different story.) She calls me to rehearsal to do one scene, and while I'm not doing the scene, I'm finding a costume. (I'm playing Mrs. Barry.) And half of the time, she calls me to be there for two hours and then I end up doing nothing. I memorize my lines, I look at costumes, but honestly, I can do all of that at home. After I take a nap and re-fuel.

Regardless, I have two days off, and I'm enjoying it so far. I must admit, looking for costumes today was rather fun... Tomorrow will be fantastic. Especially after I finish cleaning my closet and the rest of my room to make space for a new wardrobe that I dearly need. I intend to put all of my simple t-shirts in a drawer and my nicer clothes actually in the closet. I've been looking at some clothes from Forever 21 that I've been wanting for a while... but I don't intend to buy anything until I get myself down to a size that I'm happy with. Which, evidently, I am not down to a size that I'm happy with yet. I wonder if my aunt and uncle still have their exercise bike, or if I could buy one for cheap somewhere... Hm. I know I'd make use of it... That and I'm putting myself on a strict diet. I need to lose weight for upcoming shows/seasons and other stuff... Plus I also discovered today that a large number of the costumes in our costume loft don't fit. Albeit those are mostly made for twigs, I would like to at least have the possibility of wearing them.

Any way, whatever.

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