right, I wasn't worried about anything for once, my anxiety was in check, and I was just a genuinely happy person.
And then my morning is started off with a lecture from the band conductor, about how he is ashamed of all of us for talking about the drum majorette behind her back. I won't lie and say I didn't say a few things, but I didn't go spouting off calling her a 'retard' or anything like the other drum major did. There was a time when she yelled at one of the members of the band for defending her, and I disagreed with how she reacted to it.
And it was just... unbelievable to try and conceive that she thought she deserved respect after that. I understand everyone deserves respect, but it is so... difficult to believe that when things like this happen. I find out today that she went up to her after band and thanked her, but then I wonder, "Does the rest of the band know that?" No. We don't. We only know how you act on the podium, not how you act most other times. And how you acted on the podium was uncalled for. I'm sorry that I was the one that mentioned how I didn't like how she handled the situation, to the girl who is her best friend, the same girl who was my best friend until she became so stupid and changed so much that I didn't ever want to be around her. And I wasn't even saying it as if I was "talking shit", people just misinterpret things. I can recall saying, and I quote, "I'm sorry, I know she's your best friend, but I disagree with the way she reacted to that situation. When someone defends you, you don't yell at them for trying to earn you the respect that you deserve."
On top of that I find out this same aforementioned former best friend had called a particular senior on Saturday and asked him if he'd like to go to a movie with her, then tried to call another two friends, and tried to set it up as a double date. (Fortunately the senior called at least five other people and asked if they wanted to go, I assume trying to save himself from an all around awkward situation.) To me, it's not a surprise, solely because she's always been like this. As soon as I express interest in someone, she has to be right there trying to make them like her more. I've never understood why, but all I know is that I've had the last of it. She did the same thing with the exchange student that I was head over heels for, she's been pulling this crap since we were in the fifth grade. It's ridiculous. I'm tired of it, and I'm tired of her. I cannot wait to graduate and - hopefully - be accepted to that school in Connecticut that I was looking at because I want to get as far away from her as humanly possible.
It's not even just... that that's annoying me about her. While the drum majorette has the right to know what people say about her, I think it's rather lousy for the other person to take advantage of the trust other people place in them (which, mind you, is a microscopic amount to begin with) and blow things out of proportion to make them seem much worse than they actually are.
And you know, if this drum majorette had such a problem with people, and the whole point of the lecture we received today was "if you have a problem with someone, be honest and talk to the person" why didn't she go confront those people? Why did she just run off and tell the director on the band? I understand this is the worst it's ever been, but seriously.
I've had one person who I can honestly talk to through this whole thing who understands my point of view and knows how I feel about the whole thing, and I am so, so thankful for her. She has kept me sane in the past seven hours, she has kept me from breaking down and having a meltdown. Unfortunately she wasn't able to keep me from a few tears, but they were necessary, and there are probably more on the way that will also be necessary.
I'm just... ill. I'm ill mentally, I'm ill physically; I feel like I'm going to lose the contents of my stomach. I feel like I'm going to be incapable of sleeping. These are the moments, of course, where you wish you'd fall asleep and not wake up because you don't want to have to deal with everything when you wake up the next morning. I don't understand this anymore. I really don't. This seems like some stupid, pointless existence and that I was put here to be tossed around between a bunch of people with no real purpose except to have my emotions tugged at and apart. And while it may not be apparent to some, I have, probably, the most delicate emotions you could ever find in a person. The littlest thing will make me feel like a terrible person, or happier than you could've thought possible. The problem with that is I'm also the kind of person who doesn't open up about things like that all too easily, unless it's the right person, and I bottle it up and keep adding more and more and more and more until I finally just explode and have these huge meltdowns like this...
It would be simpler to say that I'm tired of everything, and nothing is right. But that's too simple, I need to whine about yet another thing. I need to draw it out into a long, angst-filled, LiveJournal entry. I'm freaking out, and the more I think about it now, the more I realize I'm on the verge of that previously prevented meltdown.
I really, really need my brother. It's a lot harder not having him here than I thought it was, and it occurred to me that I miss him a lot more than I thought I would. He is, truly, my closest and best friend and now I'm not knowing what to do without him. He was my go-to person for everything that I needed to talk about when he was here. He would pick me up off the ground like I was a fallen child, pat my back and dust off my clothes, put a band-aid on my scraped knee that is my pride most of the time, and then reassure me that everything's going to be alright and that I'm going to live to see tomorrow, regardless of whether I have a scraped knee or not.
I really do miss him.
That's pretty much the way my life has been for the past two days. Yesterday, I was happier than I have ever been. And I don't doubt that when I say 'ever' either, because when I really thought about it, it was true. Everything was just going